Crossroads

I was doing fine the whole of the early part of yesterday. It was a big day no doubt about it, not just in a digit 9 but an incident made it a big day. Coming home from Novena, settling down and penning down my thoughts in my other journal everything was going as normal till a conversation sparked off this weird feeling of disappointment.

It made me realise that this world isn't a nice one and there are people out there who aren't exactly nice. What i hate are need to know basis friends. I've termed them as need to know because when they need you, they know you. In friendship that's one of the worst kind of friendships to have. So when they require your help such as financial or infomation they come to you in a cordial way and speak to you as if everything is tender. Anything deeper than that like the sharing of yourself and they turn around to tell you that they dont care about you and they dont want to know about what goes on in your life because it antagonises them and it basically makes them feel edgy and fed up.

Hey, i dont mean to be dramatic about this but i've always thought that by telling others what we do or ate even is part of a process of comminication and it's beyond the facts being communicated, within the facts, items such as favourite food or places where nice food can be found is revealed. That equates to how much you actually know or understand about each other.

To say that it antagonises is as good as saying hey i'm on a tight schedule, just give me what i want and f off.

Having just gone through a journey 'for' someone who probably doesnt even know or doesnt even care taught me selflessness and christ's ways. This double whammy just SPOKE to me. Why bother to be like that? Why bother to be that ideal christian and take that path and that christ-like way when at the end of the day, it's people like that who end up being nailed to a cross. Where's the logic in that? To put yourself at the forefront of hurt, pain, misery, disappointment and anguish.

So, a 4 hr long deliberated thought and decision process to say WTH. I've seen the light side, let me just go to the dark side and explore. Seek or you'll never know fully. At that point in time this was decided not on impulse but more upon a certainty that everything which has happened might not have been to say that this current state is permanent.

It could well be temporal for me to experience and feel and understand and have a taste of what christ's ways is about and what true christian living is about. Maybe it isnt for me. Maybe my old self is the true me which i should see more than just a callsign, but a call to acceptance.

Life was so blissful then, not just about the career side of things, (of which now seems to be a stable foothold in what i'm currently doing) also the emotional side of things when it comes to relationships. As the saying goes, play or be played. Selflessly give and hold no walls of defence or just plainly guard yourself by looking out for yourself first.

The date with trouble last night taught me alot of things. Not going into the details about the movement and behavior and topics of conversation or the tools for recreation like the dice, it connected with today's eucharistic celebration - Migrant Sunday.

The selfless giving as christ did. More series of events by mode of the phone showed me that although i can't and shouldnt see perfection within the journey ahead and journey forth, i should stay rooted for if i stay rooted, i wont go that far off.

Just a couple minutes back, came the big test. A cordial call once again, a cordial wish once again, a request once again for infomation. Accompanied with these was the accusation that i'm selfish for not fully sharing infomation because of my belief that knowledge should be earned and worked for vis-a-vis the easier path of spoon feeding.

I've already done my chores and paid my dues to academia. Offended i was with the remark that i was selfish for the angle i'm coming from is that of ownership. If you own that certificate, you'd have planned your studying time earlier instead of pursuing other hot stuff claiming that all you want is to focus on your studies and you dont wanna have things like relationships. Albeit, which girl can resist the temptation of a nice luxurious lifestyle and fast cash and fast happiness of booze, cash and lust.

I take it as a refresher then, let me jog my memory on academia for i think it benefits me more that i share info rather than withhold. So yea, it is in giving that we receive. I give my 2 cents worth of knowledge in exchange for a refreshing and jogging of memory which i shall put to use in real life for my own advancement as a person, as a professional.

Maybe i should start charging professional consultation fees. Hey afterall the past months have shown me that there is a material world out there. There is a practical world out there and people are willing to trade fluids for that - and i dont mean crude oil. So much for ladies being the more decent sex while guys are labelled bastards. Add that point to the question for stereotype.

Why can't i trade brain juice.