Of prayer and preparation

Marking the turning point was the fresh beginning of school. It was a fresh beginning in the literal sense of - back to school. That was where i found insights to alot of other things besides just textbook perspectives. That was where i found a chance at emotions. A chance was what it was.

Aye, the outward apparition of Chauvinism. Was chauvinism something in me initially or was it something that popped out? I did put in place time to reflect then and of course now i'm reflecting from a different stance. Then the reflective time told me that everything started out with alot of schoolboy and schoolgirl acts and initiatives.

Little things like a staged visit to a shopping mall only to purchase this queer coloured flower which incidentally was under advisory from "my current hair consultant". Other little things like writing a personalised assignment and presenting it at the location as what the header said :"by the longkang" Customised things like these were probably signs of the little peter pan in me not wanting to grow up. Not that they weren't given with sincerity or without meaning, they were thought of and made and given with the utmost of sincerity without hidden agendas. Maybe thats why the accusation later on about planning a group meeting outside Forum was so hard to accept.

Besides, it wasn't even my idea to have it there to begin with. A groupmate just wanted a centralised place to meet and to discuss with the option of lighting up. In any case, even more so, who on earth would seek advice from someone about getting a flower which obviously was for another. People do have brains to put 1 and 1 together and i'm not that dumb to diminish my own chance for there was no thought about the possibility of a chance to begin with.

Now, i realise this Peter Pan syndrome isn't about creating a feeling it isn't about creating a moment. It's my own innate way of creating pillars. Pillars of strength which are called the pillars of Sincerity, Innocence and Simplicity. Tracking myself now, i've never built any relationship with friends or girls with anything other than these pillars.

Just like the character Peter Pan who emulated the characteristics of this childlike entity always seeking a childlike grounding and way of life. Never wanting to grow up because by growing up and maturing, the dangers and complexities of the world just tarnishes what is beautiful to him.

I've always liked Starwars for it's multiple satirical ways of interpretations. Which episode was it when Obi-wan was searching for a missing planet and even yoda didnt know what to say of it?

In the end, the wise master jedi turned to the young apprentice who was barely into his teens (<12).>

Was the answer important? Nope, sometimes the answer is only as important as the question and who it's presented to. Nonetheless, a simple answer often leads to a clear path and a clear direction. As like Obi-wan's search for a lost planet.

Looking to another wise man, i believe these were his words:

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"

I can't help but admit that the outward appearance of Chauvinism was true. Yet at the same time as a person, an individual, a other half i was misunderstood. A lot of things weren't in synchronization. "sweet" things done when what stood before me wasn't mine at the time. Heartfelt things said and made which were obviously bad to the taste buds, so i'm not a chef. Can't even make a nice sandwich. As the saying goes, if at first you don't succeed, try try again.

Possibly, the initial stage was shrouded with mismatched timing and the inability to accept properly due to circumstance. That was a good lesson learnt, to not speed up so fast and get tired later on, which eventually happened. Amends will never be able to rectify to make back and get back what's lost. Was it my duty to reel back? Just when the burden of school and burden of tiredness came in, it seemed as though the tables turned and now i was unable to accept.

This shows the importance of constant reflection even if the initial reaction is anger and anguish. The quiet time and short break did some good to replan. Replan not what to do, but replan what could be done internally within me. To once again feel like giving. Why else take so much trouble to book the stay on a commemorative, meaningful date.

Something I hate; lying to my parents, for they somehow just see through. How ironic, a person who has problem lying turns to spin doctoring as a career now. I don't feel comfortable lying about staying out for fictatious reasons. The discomfort is not because it's wrong to do so but bearing in mind that truth will be out one day and it's not going to do any good if one day the person you lied or appears for a family dinner or an upcoming chinese new year. Hey call me asian call me Singaporean but maybe there's a reason why the western world are classified as an individualistic society in comms studies.

Not only on one occassion but for more than one instance. What's worse is using the names of people close to me and my parents to create a fictatious story. What it got me in the end was just an outcome which wasn't something greatly envisioned. I saw a nice new beginning to a better future but right from the opening of the door, everything was wrong. A cold cup of coffee laid there as evidence. Two cold cups of coffee to be precise. Hey it's no starbucks or gold coated cups but it represented tough times shared in notes for like the toughest module, electronic media. The whole waiting will never be wiped out from my memory. Started out with the smoke rising thinking alright the fella is on the way, running late as usual. Smoke which disappeared not because the tempterature in the room increased. Smoke which disappeared because the heat in the liquid was lost to the ambient temperature.

Later on, to be faced with an accusation that the location wasn't just a complimentary pass to be used before expiry and was actually a walk down memory lane with another someone from the past. It's the worst thing that can be said after downing the coffee. If only i had whiskey to go with the coffee. Whiskey to bite the tongue as you listened to the rational and reasoning for the lateness.

To face persecution when you're trying hard to move forward was something i couldnt deal with. If anyone else out there is able to say that you're able to stomach this without referencing any of the prophets of old or Christ himself then yes i'll throw my hat down now and say i wasn't misunderstood i was just simply chauvinistic.

Who would dare go through a 2nd round of this? Even if the next location was different, i'll bet walking out to grab makan even bugis junction would present itself a whole new set of accusations hurled my way.

Maybe i keep too many things to myself. Maybe i withhold to myself the reasons why i do things. Like a dinner by this stinky river filled with the smell of kerosene. Strange why alot of things began with rivers, water and canals.

Some stuff are needless to say i think. Imagine out of a possible career and out on the streets, lost and confused. Plunged into a topsy turvy world of events, enlightened to pursue a course of studies to get your life back on track. Which parent wouldnt want things to turn out better? That was something i could never communicate. That was the reason why i mapped out time to the detail. Not trying to put on a wayang show, not trying to deceive but to be able to account that the perceived 'distraction' was something worthwhile.

In relationships i find the most beautiful of things is that two people can lock into a gaze at each other and following which, look outward together in the same direction. Not just lock gaze and later on do things which puts the other in a difficult position. If anything, i mean be understanding and supportive that you see beyond yourself not to ask too much that can't be given. If it can be given it would have been given but it can't be given to the depth of endlessness multiplied by infinity.

I wonder why someone once said to me: "You are one of the most generous and caring people I know. That is why I am very proud to be your friend. You have frequently given of yourself to others to an extent that few people I know would. And because it is in your nature to give, perhaps you have neglected to replenish what you have given. Take the effort to re-stock your soul before you search for someone to give it to. For when you meet your soulmate, you will want to give her a cup that runneth over, and not an empty one".

Picture this old woman donating 10c when all she has in a dollar in her wallet. Compare that to someone else who donates 10grand when there's a million in reserve. Does the quantity matter? What matters is that the person is giving and giving in such a proportion that it means something to the person. What we some times measure against is whether what we receive is in proportion to what we expect to receive. I've learnt, measure it in proportion to what others can give. That way, we truly get to know someone else and see beyond ourselves.

A paradoxical line in this prayer "it is in giving that we receive".

What is it trying to say? Is it literally what we wholeheartedly give will reap rewards coming out way? If so then i think it's so wrong. Wholehearted giving doesn't lead to a yearning for rewards.

In giving understanding, we receive understanding. Understanding for others, understanding that would help us see things in bigger perspectives. Easy to say, but so very hard to do. I know because i'm going through it right now.

I speak like as though i'm faultless. Much to the contrary, i'm not without fault. I'm not perfect but i do strive for perfection. Not perfection in the way things are polished or objects placed in proportional displacement to each other. Perfection that I'm always willing to make something better. The intention is there but as 911 has shown, the best of intentions can result in the worst of outcomes.

Moments In Life

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from Your dreams and hug them for real.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong,

enough sorrow to keep you human and Enough hope to make you happy.

The brightest future will alwaysbe based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until You let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying

And everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end,

you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;

But by the moments that take our breath away!