What i'm thankful for in 2008

*/Coming soon/*

Book

Its been ages since the last update. In between then till now much has happened that's best summarised in a single book.

A journey, a road, a process that has led to the essence of what is captured within a tiny booklet. Truly good things come in small packages.

Its really wonderful to feel belonged

You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, now
I believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours
Tender love's what you're giving me and
You surpass all my fantasies andI keep thanking the Lord above for
Blessing me with oh so much
Cause I know how it feels to bepart of you boy
Everyday of my life's so abundant
With joyAnd I honestly never thought love could be realuntil the angels guided you to me
You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, nowI believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours
Lying with you so natural
I never knew this was possible
And it finally feels like my life has begun now that I can share it with someone
You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, nowI believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours
You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, now
I believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours
Baby our love will always persevere
Anything you ever need,You know I'll be right here and
You don't have to worry boy
I won't betray your trust
Because I'm so much in love
Every time your lips meet mine
It still feels like the first time
And if you lost everything
I'd keep on standing by your side
And boy it seems like everyday
I fall deeper in loveBecause I can't get enough
You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, now I believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours
You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, now I believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours

Yours
Yours
Yours
Yours

Everything that you do's so amazing
Everything that you do's so amazing
Everything that you do's so amazing
Everything that you do's so amazing to me

Boy

You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, now
I believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours

(Baby I believe in miracles because I'm baby I'm forever yours.)

Last Christmas

Christmas comes early this year. It comes in the usual form of femme fatale. Strangely when the song played this time around it didnt give that feel of emptiness and despair. Rather it made me look up into the skies, specifically towards the 2nd floor where someone was asking me to COME UP.

Perhaps this Christmas of 2008 will be a different Christmas. Perhaps it will be that divine Christmas which i was in a way promised but delivered buy another.

Love moves in mysterious ways

Who’d have thought this is how the pieces fit
You and I shouldn’t even try making sense of it
I forgot how we ever came this far
I believe we had reasons but I don’t know what they are
So blame it on my heart’ oh

Love moves in mysterious ways
It’s always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I’ll love you for the rest of my days
But still it’s a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

Heaven knows love is just a chance we take
We make plans but then love demands a leap of faith
So hold me close and never ever let me go’
Coz even though we think we know which way the river flows
That’s not the way love goes’ no’

Love moves in mysterious ways
It’s always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I’ll love you for the rest of my days
But still it’s a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways


Like the ticking of a clock two hearts beat as one
But I’ll never understand the way it’s done’ oh

Love moves in mysterious ways
It’s always so surprising
When love appears over the horizon
I’ll love you for the rest of my days
But still it’s a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

About dogs

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person - Andy Rooney

Affie the sausage dog which almost became Bangers N Mash thanks to Fang

There is no psychatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face - Ben Williams

Pucci the blue merle collie with hair as soft as Fang and colouration like my old bunny

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people - Sigmund Freud

Abang Adik

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole - Roger Caras

and the reason why a dog has so many friends -

he wags his tail and not his tongue

It's doggy time!

IS LOOKING FORWARD TO DOGGY TIME ON SUNDAY!!!

Sometimes

Sometimes when pple meet someone they think is too good; first thing that comes to mind is that it is too good to be true.

Sometimes the next thing is that they think they dont deserve someone that good; cause they themselves dont know what they can bring to the table.

Sometimes they dont realise that sometimes all that is needed is for them to be themselves for that was what was appreciated in the first place.

Sometimes people can't accept others for being themselves because they cant accept themselves for being themselves to begin with or they would rather be what they are now then change and evolve.

Sometimes the change and evolution is what they detest because they never imagined that others could affect them so; to make them lose themselves and that part of losing control is what freaks them out, hence making them reject the object/person of change.

The ultra rejectors are the ones who push others away in the most untasteful, finger pointing, emotionally draining and assertive way.

Sometimes this totally sucks.

in your hands

I think, rather i'm sure that this next one is yet another one that is sent to show/tell/teach me something.

A perfect angel from what i can see from the outside. Everything that i kinda ever wanted and what i currently hope to have. Sad thing is that we come from different worlds.

Maybe the one common world we come from is God's kingdom. Nonetheless, in your hands, i place this new one. In your hands i place what this new one is meant to be and i anticipate with much anticipation what this new one is meant to be - to and for me.

Never thought that i could begin to feel this way again, yet i do.

why i can't have a singaporean gf

most female singaporeans have lost this meaning of Sentiments

my ways are not your ways

What if one day the person asking for help turns around to accuse you of being selfish?
Unprecedented logic of black and white is that if you don't render help you dont render help.
Selfishness as a trait only exists because it is a label to denote the unwillingness to render help to another for self centered reasons.

Here's the share of grey. What if the person asking is asking based on a self centered premise? Does that right the wrong? Of if the shade of grey comes in the form of an accusation from an individual who would rather sit back, fling with some bargirl he just met and forget his faithful girl back home which leads to him literally F*&^ing up his relationship, allowing it to affect school and work; leaving his groupmates to complete the tasks.

That isn't self centered, that's just escaping from responsibility and demanding that others understand his plight and take pity upon him. Self centeredness is when this individual claims the mark and grade and walks off without thanking others for helping - for he was never concerned about others, he was only concerned about himself.

So today, put in a similar situation, on a need to know basis i was so freaking pissed. Bring taken for granted is the shittiest of things.

My ways are not your ways. That sentence spoke to me. Couple thousand years ago there once walked a man who came sharing lots of words and actions. All these sharings were scorned upon and frowned upon but he continued delivering. Never asking for recognition, credit or appreciation. Yet he persisted in being him. Why?

So quietening down does help at least i see myself being able to be at peace 'helping' someone else and that's the thing, moving forward i dont feel unhappy having had some arrows shot back at me. Thats what makes me different. Of course initially i was unhappy it's just that later on as i settled down and looked at it from a peaceful angle i find peace.

It doesnt matter if people continue to be like that, thats their problem because one day they'll realise and thats enough for them and me. That they didnt once asked, they expected. They didn't request, they demanded. They didn't thank, they scorned and shot arrows.

They obviously have their rewards set out for them. I already have mine. Among other reasons that what i did, was more for myself in ways which i'd rather just keep to myself.

Obstacles to the crossroad

Obstacles...Obstacles...

Often a times, we hear of people being blocked and obstructed when the have the intention to do something good.

Whenever a thought of good is to be translated into a deed of goodwill, somehow, someway, something appears and hinders that transition. Else, when we're in the preliminary stage of executing, the same hindering process takes place. It could be in the form of people, events, items, time or just plain circumstance.

This week takes the cake. Obstacles a plenty hindering the bad from taking place. Each time the thought of reverting or the planning of executing, that transparent wedge comes and prevents anything from taking place.

In the form of people, items, words, a sense of this cloud of encapsulating invisible bubble that just goes NO it's not going to happen. Remain what you are, there is no crossroad.

Dog and Humans

If anyone asks me what i've learnt from bringing up a dog, i'd say the greatest lesson is this:


When a dog sees you and comes up to you a dog wags its tail and sticks out its tongue; but when humans come up to you, they wag their tongues and stick out their behind at you once they're done with you. At least dogs go away from you happy with their tails wagging.

It's so annoying when need to know basis people come to you so friendly and cordial and when they're done with the agenda they just leave like as though all they ever wanted was to put imprints of their residue.

Sly ones are also out there, delivering empty promises, making you walk away with hopes and visualisations that becomes virtualisation. Painting a picture of a promise which can be twisted later on and spun around. Distasteful as it already is, the other factor of procrastinating is what i call stalling. Stalling is just another way of saying hey i dont have the balls to say it to you hence i'll just keep you hanging.

Well, since this world is of this nature and the people around are like that (with christians included), call it payback or call it taking care of oneself, it's time to not be so nice anymore. It's time to return to ceasar what belongs to ceasar.

Letting go

The most difficult thing to do is to let go!

"Take hold lightly; let go lightly. This is one of the great secrets of felicity in love"

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar"

Quotes like these can be found in abundance in books, on the world wide web and through the mouths of people we meet day to day.

No one has something substaintial to say about letting go of a lie. It is so easy to let go of the truth. It is blatantly and if the truth is tasteless then just chuck it aside. If it is tasteful then take it.

What if truth is all but a lie. A lie built on deception, manipulation, misleading words being exchanged, misperceptions based on unguided codes of sharing with a hidden agenda?

Sure, for the sender it's easy to know what's real and what's not. For the receiver, everything that was true became a whole cloudy grey. To let go of a lie is to let go of the truth. To let go of the truth is to first and foremost come to the understanding, realization and acceptance that everything wasn't real when in actual fact feelings, memories and physical items point out that yes something did take place.

My story of always wanting to carry too much. My spiritual quest, the painful process of learning to let go of things not essential.

Crossroads

I was doing fine the whole of the early part of yesterday. It was a big day no doubt about it, not just in a digit 9 but an incident made it a big day. Coming home from Novena, settling down and penning down my thoughts in my other journal everything was going as normal till a conversation sparked off this weird feeling of disappointment.

It made me realise that this world isn't a nice one and there are people out there who aren't exactly nice. What i hate are need to know basis friends. I've termed them as need to know because when they need you, they know you. In friendship that's one of the worst kind of friendships to have. So when they require your help such as financial or infomation they come to you in a cordial way and speak to you as if everything is tender. Anything deeper than that like the sharing of yourself and they turn around to tell you that they dont care about you and they dont want to know about what goes on in your life because it antagonises them and it basically makes them feel edgy and fed up.

Hey, i dont mean to be dramatic about this but i've always thought that by telling others what we do or ate even is part of a process of comminication and it's beyond the facts being communicated, within the facts, items such as favourite food or places where nice food can be found is revealed. That equates to how much you actually know or understand about each other.

To say that it antagonises is as good as saying hey i'm on a tight schedule, just give me what i want and f off.

Having just gone through a journey 'for' someone who probably doesnt even know or doesnt even care taught me selflessness and christ's ways. This double whammy just SPOKE to me. Why bother to be like that? Why bother to be that ideal christian and take that path and that christ-like way when at the end of the day, it's people like that who end up being nailed to a cross. Where's the logic in that? To put yourself at the forefront of hurt, pain, misery, disappointment and anguish.

So, a 4 hr long deliberated thought and decision process to say WTH. I've seen the light side, let me just go to the dark side and explore. Seek or you'll never know fully. At that point in time this was decided not on impulse but more upon a certainty that everything which has happened might not have been to say that this current state is permanent.

It could well be temporal for me to experience and feel and understand and have a taste of what christ's ways is about and what true christian living is about. Maybe it isnt for me. Maybe my old self is the true me which i should see more than just a callsign, but a call to acceptance.

Life was so blissful then, not just about the career side of things, (of which now seems to be a stable foothold in what i'm currently doing) also the emotional side of things when it comes to relationships. As the saying goes, play or be played. Selflessly give and hold no walls of defence or just plainly guard yourself by looking out for yourself first.

The date with trouble last night taught me alot of things. Not going into the details about the movement and behavior and topics of conversation or the tools for recreation like the dice, it connected with today's eucharistic celebration - Migrant Sunday.

The selfless giving as christ did. More series of events by mode of the phone showed me that although i can't and shouldnt see perfection within the journey ahead and journey forth, i should stay rooted for if i stay rooted, i wont go that far off.

Just a couple minutes back, came the big test. A cordial call once again, a cordial wish once again, a request once again for infomation. Accompanied with these was the accusation that i'm selfish for not fully sharing infomation because of my belief that knowledge should be earned and worked for vis-a-vis the easier path of spoon feeding.

I've already done my chores and paid my dues to academia. Offended i was with the remark that i was selfish for the angle i'm coming from is that of ownership. If you own that certificate, you'd have planned your studying time earlier instead of pursuing other hot stuff claiming that all you want is to focus on your studies and you dont wanna have things like relationships. Albeit, which girl can resist the temptation of a nice luxurious lifestyle and fast cash and fast happiness of booze, cash and lust.

I take it as a refresher then, let me jog my memory on academia for i think it benefits me more that i share info rather than withhold. So yea, it is in giving that we receive. I give my 2 cents worth of knowledge in exchange for a refreshing and jogging of memory which i shall put to use in real life for my own advancement as a person, as a professional.

Maybe i should start charging professional consultation fees. Hey afterall the past months have shown me that there is a material world out there. There is a practical world out there and people are willing to trade fluids for that - and i dont mean crude oil. So much for ladies being the more decent sex while guys are labelled bastards. Add that point to the question for stereotype.

Why can't i trade brain juice.

The end of the journey

"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows;
Love can erase an awful past,
Love can be yours, you'll see at last;
To feel that love, it makes you sigh,
To have it leave, you'd rather die;
You hope you've found that special rose,
'Cause you love and care for the one you chose."

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."

Once when I was young and true,
Someone left me sad- Broke my brittle heart in two;
And that was very bad.
Love is for unlucky folk.
Love is but a curse.

Once there was a heart I broke;
And that, I think, is worse.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours.
If they don't, they never were."

Flies and rubbish - this world is filled with alot of sorry people

Ever heard of viral marketing? A self replicating virus which gets the job done because it spreads like wildfire.

In just a month alone, 5 people of whom i've know for some time now came saying that they never thought that they would meet such horrible people. That they didn't know such people would exist. People of low emotional quotient, people who are so low that they dont have the slightest of inclination that what they're doing is going to impact another person tremendously.

Hearing the words of these people, i realise that they met almost the same genre of sorry souls out there. Basically selfish people who aren't out to be there for others, but instead expect others to be there as more than a punching bag - an emotional punching bag which is used to selfishly tide them by. Even a punching bag made of such tough material can wear and tear after prolonged hitting. Trust me, i used to have one.

The saddest thing is that these jokers just go out there and spread to everyone they come into contact with. What makes it so hard to understand is why do they have to crosspaths with people who are much more deserving than what they stand for. Looking to find a way out for themselves at times to get themselves back on track, innocent normal people get sucked into their whirlwind of bondage and they end up in despair, living a life in the longkang, dragging their hearts in shambles and with shackles on.

I've met my own experience of this and to the other people i know who recently came to the knowledge of their bad other halfs, i can't help but think in anger and disgust that these parasites should just infest within their own circle of dirtiness. If the saying flies to rubbish carries weight i think that should be their world. Please dont try to wander off into other territories where you actually hook yourself onto nice people that i know off who are seriously far greater than what you 'flies' can ever be.

The one thing i can take is that i get hurt, the one thing i can't take is seeing people around me i know are nice people get hurt. Yes i feel sorry for the ones who are victimised by undeserving candidates but i feel even more sorry for those underserving candidates who can't even feel sorry for themselves. Living day after day, lie after lie, making statements and big ones at that which will probably not be delivered due to their innate weakness to step up and face themselves and reality.

In as much as these bad flies can commune with each other to find happiness in spoiling other people's lives and hearts, the ones who were affected by these flies do manage to find each other out and help each other out of the shithole to experience joy, realisation of themselves and liberation that they are set free from leeches. That's nature's way of showing that birds of a feather flock together.

Flies will be flies swarming around rubbish while those who have been stung go forth to make honey from nectar.

Lessons

Seeing the imperfections within ourselves and attempt to go beyond ourselves to make alterations to these imperfections that will enable a journey of long term greatness. While doing so, the process of humility and acknowledgement of our shortcomings isn’t like a snap of the fingers. We need a suitable other half who is able to point it out to us and make us feel that as we are changing for the person and with the person, it is appreciated and it is embraced. In this cycle, we feel more and more ‘owned’ by the other person. If this is two ways, then unfaithfulness will never seep in. Therefore whenever we claim that our status is Attached, it really means we’re attached to someone. It’s not just a title or it’s not just a way of categorizing, it’s actually summarizing a journey and a commitment in one word. Ultimately both know that they belong to each other because they see so much of each other in themselves and when they lock eyes.

Love isn’t about a deep gaze and being lost in time, it is also about leaving that inward gaze to turn the heads and then look outwardly in the same direction together.
Sometimes people come into our lives and we know right away that they were meant to be there to serve some sort of purpose. Teach us a lesson or help figure out who we are or who we want to become or could become.

We never know who these people might be, but when we lock eyes with them, we know that every moment they will affect our lives in some profound, long lasting, spiritual way even; and sometimes things happen to us at times that may seem horrible, painful and unfair. Like as though what did I ever do to deserve this? Wasn’t I doing everything right? In reflection, we can come to realize that without overcoming these obstacles, we would have never realized our own potential strength, will power or heart’s desires.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of our character and soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved road, straight and flat. Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless with no need for anyone special or a divine special friend from the heavens - the people we meet will affect our lives – so we should be in control to be affected only positively and spiritually.

Successes and downfalls that we experience can create who we are, and even the bad can be lessons learnt from everything that has happened. In fact, some events and incidences can awaken a total stranger in us. So much so that this stranger doesn’t even make us look different or slang differently as we speak. It’s so subtle that this stranger was just a dormant form of what we truly are. If someone hurts us, betrays us or breaks our heart, forgive them cause they have helped us learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whomever we open our heart to. Not to forget that they have been the key instrument to opening our heart in the first place which was previously locked up and the key thrown away.

Lastly, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself for if you don’t believe in yourself, even God cannot intervene.

How different am I? Minus the part about viewing new cars because one arm has stabilized, a female youth-hood friend was taken aback about the changes she saw in me one night over belated birthday dinner. As though I was someone new, re-created and re-born. Aside to that, do i think that spirituality is just about Godly Churchy stuff and AMEN? That would be blind devotion. Is it about reading the bible and making more sense than just a storybook?

It’s about living a life in a different more in-tuned way with myself.

Words in the bible are just words and stories in there are just stories. They are nothing more than that unless we realize that we connect with it. That was what I came to realize. This doesn’t mean anything to people who don’t subscribe to this ‘level’ of living. To some, I believe, that all these mean nothing.

I believe that out there, someone is able to logically say that if this person, me, has tasted and felt the spiritual love from his God and there on goes on to pass that on, to people he meets or shares that with someone in a companion/relationship, not just simply in prayer but in living and in being, then how far off can that person be from being someone to another in a wholesome and god given way?

Make me a channel of your Peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow Love
Where there is injury, let me sow pardon
Where there is doubt, let me sow Faith
Where there is despair, let me give Hope
Where there is darkness, let me give Light
Where there is sadness, let me give Joy

O divine master grant that
I may not try to be comforted but to comfort
Not try to be understood but to understand
Not try to be loved but to love
Because it is in giving that we receive
It is in forgiving that we are forgiven
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Yes this is a prayer, if recited and played on repeat mode, it’ll merely be nothing more than memorizing the script. To me, that has been the meaning of life and strangely it has been my way of life very very very subtly last time, but now it is strong enough to be a way of living for the past few months which were like an eternity.

This came to me in ways people would probably go “bah humbug” so I’ll save it.
Did I choose to be like that? No. I didn’t choose. I just suddenly became like that and I don’t know how or why either.

Now, I know why I can say that the practical and emotional draws strength from the spiritual.
Now, I know why some can’t see any difference in me besides me going to church now when I left and stopped going previously.

Even if passer-bys stood in front of me for 24hours they wouldn’t be able to see a difference because there is just no difference from the outside.

Bottom-line is that everyone has different expectations, I too have my own. I know my worth and I know I’m worth it. It’s besides the point about what happened in the past, the present is what’s in front of me and the future is out there for me to create. Not to re-create but to create.

When along comes someone who sees this me and values the worth, I’ll know it and she’ll know it. She might not have to know how I came to be but it’ll be good for her to know so that she fully knows where I’m coming from. By golly, if heaven permits, maybe she’ll have a similar experience to tell to me in reply. Then, it’s not a matter of coincidence, it’s not even a matter of divine plan it’s really heightened understanding and heightened attachment because this isn’t something which two people can share in common so easily as compared to liking the same brand, the same music, same tastes in cars or food.

It’s so much more than that. It’s more than a connection of character and beliefs, it’s a connection of being and living. High expectations or not? It depends who’s being asked. Some people will just say that this is fairytale expectations or kuku thinking. Hey people did also say that it’s kuku thinking the world can be round till someone saw a ship disappearing beneath the horizon and turning back to reappear again.

It's what we choose to see and what we choose to belive in. More than just physical, mental or emotional. So much so that I'm suddenly thinking that only an angel can fit the bill.

Till that day the angel comes, I’ll settle for nothing less and I won’t be anything less.

So the horoscope did point out something which came true.

"this year the monkey will learn the intricate complexities of relationships".

why do we attract trouble and/or weirdos

My birthday slogan and toast from people who know me for over a decade.

Aaron: Wants trouble, likes trouble and is trouble personified. The last one won't be the last.

Trouble stands out in a crowd doesn't she? Trouble sashays and bounces with the wind blowing through the long locks of volume filled curls. Sultry eyes with a sharp gaze that captures your attention, forming an addiction, compelling you to look again and again.

I don't seek trouble, but strangely i'm just attracted to trouble. More often than not, they come as weirdos who bring trouble.

Tonight kinda pointed out that i'm more aware of trouble. Formerly, trouble made me tingle and say HI.

Currently, trouble makes me tingle and sets off alerts to keep 'bye' at the tip of my tongue.

Still, attraction to trouble burns bright.

Horoscopes

Signs, astrology, zodiac. The mystical mystery of the universe and essences all squished into 12 animal characters or 12 star signs.

Let's see what's in store for the monkey this year. According to this 4pp DL obtained awhile back for my mum, the monkey will apparantly meet with helpful people who can support them in their endeavours..oh yah thats true. Young lovers have to understand the complexities of relationships oh yes oh yes how true is that.

I should have read this somewhere at the beginning of the year, around the time i got it for my mum. As Catholic Christians, should we or should we not bend to such nicely worded synopsis of our zodiac and what's to come. God's will is unexplainable and mysterious in the funniest of ways as i've so rightly discovered.

Indeed after a very nice long dinner which i haven't had for a long time, seems like smses and calls from different people came in and they were all centered around 1 thing. Broken feelings.
I'm beginning to understand the complexities of relationships.

Are relationships complex or are the people in and around complex, hence, the relationship is complex.

I think my mission is beginning. I seem to be a control station where people i know and people i barely know come to me with their emotional burdens wanting to find peace and wanting to find solutions.

I can't give or offer solutions. I can only offer Christ and The prayer of St. Francis.

Samseng

It's really funny how sometimes friends really lift you up and laugh together with you about the strangest but yet the most eventful things that happen. Especially when these events are of such a similar form that it's uncanny the way in which we can be there for one another in such times where it's the same genre of events.

A road of discovery, of realisation, of understanding that comes with quite a substantial amount of pain, suffering, sacrifice and a broken uneven road to an inner happiness.

In life, we often have things we treasure and things we take for granted. In life, we often take people for granted or get taken for granted. To those who take us for granted and take what we bring to the table for granted, let's just put it such that we know what we brought to the table is deserving but not to sound arrogant at the same time. If so should it be discarded by those who do not know how to appreciate what is laid on the table, then let them settle for what their taste buds call delicacies.

I just pity those who would rather eat of the scraps off the table rather than dine at the table. I pity those who have to eat in darkness and in the shadows rather than sitting at the table in the proper capacity to savor every bite and every juicy cube of the steak.

So, to my samseng friend who met a confused bastard that promised you the stars and heavens and call you an angel sent from above, i say earnestly you're not alone. Female versions of this type of people exist in this self proclaim conservative city state of ours. If only we could tell this to the world and warn other less well informed people out there like us that we gotta be careful who we give ourselves and our hearts to.

I could, in fact, i had and still have the technical and professional capability of plastering the story in every newspaper and even provide a free courier service to their doorstep but we know that we're better than that.

We know that an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth isn't his ways. We know that love is his word, love is his way, feasting with men, fasting alone, love, only love is his way.

People are all worthy of this, but not all are worth our time and emotions for us to share this with. It's not something which we go begging others to accept, it's something we discovered we are able to offer to another because we have it in us and is us; which ideally, another should just chance-by and embrace this thing we have and in that, embrace us. In sharing this, we share a part of ourselves and we share a part of this image of what we're created to be molded after.

As a poem, the lyrics sound sad, down and out - of which samseng, u and i were at some point in time.

As a song, it's a happy tune of liberation.

You made me stronger

You made me stronger

Is it hard to believe I'm okay

After all, its been awhile

Since you walked away

I'm way past crying

Over you finding someone else

You turned my days into nights (days into nights)

But now I see the light

And this maybe a big surprise to you

But you've made me stronger

By breaking my heart

You ended my life

And made a better one start

You taught me everything

From falling in love

To letting go of a lie

Yes, you've made me stronger

Baby, by saying goodbye

If you try to believe I'm not over you

Go ahead

There's nothing wrong with making believe

I know

Cuz I used to pretend you'd come back to me

But time has been such a friend

Brought me to my senses again

And I have you to thanked (I have you to thanked)

For setting me free (for setting me free)

Cuz you've made me stronger

By breaking my heart

You ended my life

And made a better one start

You taught me everything

From falling in love

To letting go of a lie

Yes, you've made me stronger

Baby, by saying goodbye

Think again

Don't feel so sorry for me, my friend

Oh, dont you know

I'm not the one at the loosing end (Im not the one)

Cuz you've made me stronger

By breaking my heart

You ended my life

And made a better one start

You taught me everything

From falling in love

To letting go of a lie

Yes, you've made me stronger

Baby, by saying goodbye

You ended my life

And made a better one start

You taught me everything

From falling in love

To letting go of a lie

Yes, you've made me stronger

Baby, by saying goodbye, goodbye

You've made me stronger

Baby, by saying goodbye

In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti

AMEN

Light at the end of the tunnel

Recollecting what i told a bald dude, that at times we walk in a dark tunnel and we don't really know where we're headed for. Anyone who's in this tunnel will be yearning for some light they'll be looking towards this distant bright spot so that there's at least a direction to head for.



The advice given by an aspiring monk-to-be was to at least have a clear path and to have a clear destination in mind or at least a target. My response was along the lines that it's not the destination that i'm concerned about, it's the voyage. Inside me i knew that the journey and what i term to be the voyage is a pathway of multiple notches.



With each notch, i came to see that within the journey was the destination. Complex as it might sound, intricate and multifaceted was this spider web. A web of intertwined learning and discovery.



Many would think that stepping into the light is the end. However, just as i was so certain that towards the 3/4 mark i would snap into this realisation which i am at now, i'm also certain that once the last few items are done and over with, walking out of the tunnel is going to present a whole new world which is going to be an experience of a deep inhaling of fresh air.



It's not about shouting and proclaiming "I SEE THE LIGHT". It's a experience that only in darkness can we find the light - a symbol of ourselves within and not a goal.

For when things are done wholeheartedly, the reward is within ourselves, the reward is ourself.
Ourself to others.

Glimpses and Reflections

There are times in our lives when we experience a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Not to mention emptiness. We feel bereft and stripped of everything. Stripped down to nothing. In these times of loss, when we are poor in spirit, hungry for that comfort, fearful that what we want may not come or may never come. We stand still facing the unexpected. Sunrise to Sunset, as the fears swiftly fly, living day to day, laden with happiness and tears.

As night comes, thy sacred lamp of day now dipt beneath the horizons leaving a coat of darkness of what once stood bright.

We are trusted to another, entrusted with one another. The extreme feelings of helplessness and weakness mixed with hopefulness of loss of love, of loss of people of pain and yet a mystical relief. Indeed, this is a journey of discovery.

Sometimes we know more about ourselves and others when we are put in extreme situations. At times, all it takes is one single event and it can awaken within us a total stranger who was totally unknown to us, such that the days ahead will show that in living each day and leaving tomorrow to providence, we are slowly born again.

When we commit ourselves into one another's hands there will be risks involved. Some take calculated risks, some dont bother about the risks because they feel it's worth it.

Celebrating the feast of the Holy Cross is a personification of the moments of loss, love, trusting and giving, of unappreciative behavior or ignorant responses. The moments of abandonment and rejection leading to that pain and loss.

We see the symbol of the cross as a symbol of pain and hardship. Of suffering and turmoil. Thats the life of the cross. In the aftermath, the cross stands as a symbol of gain from pain. Of victory and salvation. Thats the triumph of the cross from the life of the cross. There can be no victory without the element of self-giving and self-emptying and humility.

When we gaze at the cross and look into the mirror to see the crosses within us and the cross or crosses we have chosen to take up, it could be in the form of people or incidences of events that are over on on-going. We see and gaze knowing that it took courage to carry it at the beginning, transcending it to a road taking the cross with the spirit of love, a self-emptying form of the father's love. The trust in the saving power of God.

Thats when we find strength in moments of doubt, fear, anxiety, distress, hopelessness and suffering. It is not acquired from anyone in particular it is obtained from that unexplainable trust which could well be defined as faith.

This is the cross i carried for myself for the past months. The journey is almost complete with just a few steps left to complete. There on, the journey would have been a voyage. A voyage where the destination is within me, a voyage where the destination was not a goal or a target in front of me to rush and run for.

A destination that was a process of inward-out experiential development.

Happy Birthday to ME

Finally found what i've been looking for oh so long - My 2nd birthday present to myself - A SOLEMATE

13 Sept 2008

Sometime around this time of year, last year, i set off on a search which became a hunt for what i thought could be all encompassing. Something which could be suitable for an informal occassion. Something which could be suitable for a formal occassion.

Searching high and low became hunting high and low. In the end i stumbled upon what i thought then would suit the background brief. And here it is:

The 2nd opinion coming from my companion in the search was a favourable one. Making it an even easier decision to get it quick. For the next couple of months, it served its purpose perfectly. Dressed mainly in jeans and shirts or semi casual pants with shirts daily, it became the perfect shoe.

Once formality set in, somewhere in the beginning of this year, i found myself not feeling comfortable in my own shoes - literally - for the look was spoilt due to the mismatched visage.

The mismatched look was not something which others pointed out nor was it something that was spotted from afar.

Looking down in the mornings before leaving house, i realised on my own that it looked weird. More so, it was a mismatch because that look was something which i couldnt carry off. I'm not the tough alpha male cowboy who's rough around the edges. It was a total turn off to me.

For the next few months thereafter, i was on a subtle search for something which i knew would last me through the seasons and through a timeless journey. The intense search which was done in bursts began in the periods of February; March; March - April; May - June; all with different companions tagging along for a 2nd opinion.

The last burst May-June was coincidentally with the same original companion of old from the last search a year back, but this time companionship meant much more. Search led to a hunt yet again, athough nothing fruitful came out of it in the end.

So, the hunt stopped for quite sometime due to many unforeseen, unexpected incidents - not to mention unbelievably unbelivable events. Now that the stormy waves and whirlwind has died down, the search resumes.

This time, i had no need for any companion, i had no need for a 2nd opinion. I felt like i'm all i need. Finding the place wasn't exactly like following a yellow brick road. Finally finding the place was checkpoint 1.

Stepping into the store, the music was just so me. The setting was just so me. Looking at the styles displayed on the racks, from belts to shoes to accessories everything was just so me. Slipping my feet into just one pair i was eyeing was enough to tell me that this was the point of no return. Not only the point of no return for the shoe itself, it was the point of no return to tell me that mass produced retail shoes just dont make the cut.

The shoe didnt just cover my feet, they engulfed and embraced me from bottom up. The feeling of having good grounding and surefootedness was personified through that split second uplifting feeling of being rooted. How paradoxical yah? That's the difference in a handcrafted pair of shoes and a pair that came out from the automated production line. Even the sewing and heming are of such unmatchable precision, which explains the durability and timeless effect with a style that doesnt die off cause it's a part of you. It's you personified.

Speaking with the shop owner...nay the shoe maker...nay the eminent maestro, i came to realise that being comfortable in one's own shoes has such a rich and deep meaning. The shoes we wear will determine the entire wardrobe. From pants to belts to shirts, even the walk, the talk will change.

Now here's a guy in front of me who is really spiritually in tune with his shoes and his trade. Yet his humble little shop is in a part of the coutry which needs effort to locate much less get to. This humble little shop couldnt keep up with the rising rental fees. Hence the shift to this part of the world. Thats what makes it so special.

He could have been a Charles and Keith, an Aldo, which is catered to the masses. Big bucks isnt it? Sadly within these mass catered shoeline i see an extensive product positioning business model. Hence, when we shop at these places we can just find a nice pair of shoes. We can find a suitable fit. We can't find a solemate. I found mine.

The last time i recalled buying a birthday present for myself it was a small pack of marlboro. Since then my life changed. I stepped out through a door into another world in which i became something more than what i was. That was in 1998 when i was 18 years old.

At the age of 28, ten years later, i bought myself another birthday present. Much bigger the price tag is but the other things which come along with the present is priceless and invaluable.

Here are my solemates.

This will journey with me through semi casual occassions and when the appropriate pants present themselves to me, so shall a belt and then it'll walk the mile even in formal occassions.

As for this pair, it shall be the vice versa. It'll be the one to journey through formal occassions first. As semi casual occassions pop up, time to time it shall suit semi casual semi formal settings where i'd probably feel that i should dress just slightly one notch up above the crowd.

Before i end, one more thing caught my eye before i left the shop. Bags. Nope not that i'm going to start carrying bags but i've always had a thing for bags made of animal fur. What i saw was Fox Fur Bags. They were damn cool. This time last year, i was in search for a fur bag as well. Man, everything just seems to come like a double whammy, triple whammy, quad whammy.

Not that it matters anyway, i wanted to get it for mum, but i doubt she'll appreciate it anyway. Chances are Fang will think he's got a friend.

So then i left. Parted with 300 but yah, somethings are just worth it. 300 euros by the way.

Emptiness

A night of emptiness. Emptiness sets in when suddenly the distancing became stronger.
Emptiness that could have been filled up so easily with the possibility of going back to the old ways.

The thought of losing everything that was done seems to be the only thing holding me back. Is that the right reason for continuing? Why bother to be in prayer and hold onto faith in someone and God if all it means is to complete a number.

Born out of pentecost was the 9 week devotion of the novena. Regardless of the powers or the divine belief and intervention is 9 a nice digit?

This 9 makes me recall something:" I wish instead I were a 9; For 9 could thwart this evil trick,with just some quick arithmetic". So much for the root of three. Maybe I should have gone for someone who shared Harold and Kumar instead of someone i thought could share Harold and Kumar.

It might have saved me alot of heartache. Whether or not i could have learnt and experience in the same way is one thing. On the flip side, if i had learnt, it would have been in a different form. Maybe i wouldnt have learnt as much. Maybe i would have learnt more. Maybe i would have learnt in a good and pleasant way.

Maybe i wouldnt be left with this emptiness.

sometimes i wonder

If only i could be enlightened to the meaning of the phrase from Socrates:

"wisdom begins in wonder"

I wonder why girls give me so much problems. I wonder why they give me problems when i'm involved with them and i wonder why they leave me problems.

Some taken for granted, some take you for granted. This time around it seems to be the worst of the lot all put together.

It seems like as though i'm beginning to get a grip on things and of things but yet there's still this lingering atmospheric disturbance in 'the force'.

Somehow this time around things are different and it's as though i'm suppose to learn great things from it. However, if learning is meant to enrich then where and what can it be applied to?

Which part of my life is this meant to enrich? Saturday i'll be trying out something of old. Saturday i'll be trying out old times in a place that carries recollective significance. Maybe my old callsign summarise me best. Or did it best summarised me?

Can't put the Lord to the test but nobody said we can't put ourselves to the test...

A walk to remember

Don't speak, seal your lips,

Please don't say a word

Maybe I won't remember the words I have not heard

I see that you're in love, I know it's not with me

But I don't want the truth to haunt my memory

It's never too late to relight the fire

It never stopped burning for me

The flame, it never died inside of me

How is it now that I can tell you I love you

How is it only now that it's too late

What can I do, the love we had is torn in two

So you take the smiles from all of our years

And I'll take the tears

I sit and reminisce, of times that we once shared

You gave me more than love

But never thought I cared

My feelings were all for you

Although it didn't show

I only told you on the day you let me go

It's never too late to relight the fire

It never stopped burning for me

The flame, it never died inside of me

How is it now that I can tell you

I love you How is it only now that it's too late

What can I do, the love we had is torn in two

So you take the smiles from all of our years

And I'll take the tears

Now I realise that you're no longer mine

But I'm hoping that the pain will ease in time

Although you're leaving, I won't say goodbye

Because I know you're here with me inside

How is it now that I can tell you I love you

How is it only now that it's too late

What can I do, the love we had is torn in two

So you take the smiles from all of our years

And I'll take the tears

when 2 or 3

"when two or three are gathered in my name, there i will be".

Nicole, today thanks to your late night call, i know that truly things dont happen by chance, things happen for a reason.

Of prayer and preparation

Marking the turning point was the fresh beginning of school. It was a fresh beginning in the literal sense of - back to school. That was where i found insights to alot of other things besides just textbook perspectives. That was where i found a chance at emotions. A chance was what it was.

Aye, the outward apparition of Chauvinism. Was chauvinism something in me initially or was it something that popped out? I did put in place time to reflect then and of course now i'm reflecting from a different stance. Then the reflective time told me that everything started out with alot of schoolboy and schoolgirl acts and initiatives.

Little things like a staged visit to a shopping mall only to purchase this queer coloured flower which incidentally was under advisory from "my current hair consultant". Other little things like writing a personalised assignment and presenting it at the location as what the header said :"by the longkang" Customised things like these were probably signs of the little peter pan in me not wanting to grow up. Not that they weren't given with sincerity or without meaning, they were thought of and made and given with the utmost of sincerity without hidden agendas. Maybe thats why the accusation later on about planning a group meeting outside Forum was so hard to accept.

Besides, it wasn't even my idea to have it there to begin with. A groupmate just wanted a centralised place to meet and to discuss with the option of lighting up. In any case, even more so, who on earth would seek advice from someone about getting a flower which obviously was for another. People do have brains to put 1 and 1 together and i'm not that dumb to diminish my own chance for there was no thought about the possibility of a chance to begin with.

Now, i realise this Peter Pan syndrome isn't about creating a feeling it isn't about creating a moment. It's my own innate way of creating pillars. Pillars of strength which are called the pillars of Sincerity, Innocence and Simplicity. Tracking myself now, i've never built any relationship with friends or girls with anything other than these pillars.

Just like the character Peter Pan who emulated the characteristics of this childlike entity always seeking a childlike grounding and way of life. Never wanting to grow up because by growing up and maturing, the dangers and complexities of the world just tarnishes what is beautiful to him.

I've always liked Starwars for it's multiple satirical ways of interpretations. Which episode was it when Obi-wan was searching for a missing planet and even yoda didnt know what to say of it?

In the end, the wise master jedi turned to the young apprentice who was barely into his teens (<12).>

Was the answer important? Nope, sometimes the answer is only as important as the question and who it's presented to. Nonetheless, a simple answer often leads to a clear path and a clear direction. As like Obi-wan's search for a lost planet.

Looking to another wise man, i believe these were his words:

"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"

I can't help but admit that the outward appearance of Chauvinism was true. Yet at the same time as a person, an individual, a other half i was misunderstood. A lot of things weren't in synchronization. "sweet" things done when what stood before me wasn't mine at the time. Heartfelt things said and made which were obviously bad to the taste buds, so i'm not a chef. Can't even make a nice sandwich. As the saying goes, if at first you don't succeed, try try again.

Possibly, the initial stage was shrouded with mismatched timing and the inability to accept properly due to circumstance. That was a good lesson learnt, to not speed up so fast and get tired later on, which eventually happened. Amends will never be able to rectify to make back and get back what's lost. Was it my duty to reel back? Just when the burden of school and burden of tiredness came in, it seemed as though the tables turned and now i was unable to accept.

This shows the importance of constant reflection even if the initial reaction is anger and anguish. The quiet time and short break did some good to replan. Replan not what to do, but replan what could be done internally within me. To once again feel like giving. Why else take so much trouble to book the stay on a commemorative, meaningful date.

Something I hate; lying to my parents, for they somehow just see through. How ironic, a person who has problem lying turns to spin doctoring as a career now. I don't feel comfortable lying about staying out for fictatious reasons. The discomfort is not because it's wrong to do so but bearing in mind that truth will be out one day and it's not going to do any good if one day the person you lied or appears for a family dinner or an upcoming chinese new year. Hey call me asian call me Singaporean but maybe there's a reason why the western world are classified as an individualistic society in comms studies.

Not only on one occassion but for more than one instance. What's worse is using the names of people close to me and my parents to create a fictatious story. What it got me in the end was just an outcome which wasn't something greatly envisioned. I saw a nice new beginning to a better future but right from the opening of the door, everything was wrong. A cold cup of coffee laid there as evidence. Two cold cups of coffee to be precise. Hey it's no starbucks or gold coated cups but it represented tough times shared in notes for like the toughest module, electronic media. The whole waiting will never be wiped out from my memory. Started out with the smoke rising thinking alright the fella is on the way, running late as usual. Smoke which disappeared not because the tempterature in the room increased. Smoke which disappeared because the heat in the liquid was lost to the ambient temperature.

Later on, to be faced with an accusation that the location wasn't just a complimentary pass to be used before expiry and was actually a walk down memory lane with another someone from the past. It's the worst thing that can be said after downing the coffee. If only i had whiskey to go with the coffee. Whiskey to bite the tongue as you listened to the rational and reasoning for the lateness.

To face persecution when you're trying hard to move forward was something i couldnt deal with. If anyone else out there is able to say that you're able to stomach this without referencing any of the prophets of old or Christ himself then yes i'll throw my hat down now and say i wasn't misunderstood i was just simply chauvinistic.

Who would dare go through a 2nd round of this? Even if the next location was different, i'll bet walking out to grab makan even bugis junction would present itself a whole new set of accusations hurled my way.

Maybe i keep too many things to myself. Maybe i withhold to myself the reasons why i do things. Like a dinner by this stinky river filled with the smell of kerosene. Strange why alot of things began with rivers, water and canals.

Some stuff are needless to say i think. Imagine out of a possible career and out on the streets, lost and confused. Plunged into a topsy turvy world of events, enlightened to pursue a course of studies to get your life back on track. Which parent wouldnt want things to turn out better? That was something i could never communicate. That was the reason why i mapped out time to the detail. Not trying to put on a wayang show, not trying to deceive but to be able to account that the perceived 'distraction' was something worthwhile.

In relationships i find the most beautiful of things is that two people can lock into a gaze at each other and following which, look outward together in the same direction. Not just lock gaze and later on do things which puts the other in a difficult position. If anything, i mean be understanding and supportive that you see beyond yourself not to ask too much that can't be given. If it can be given it would have been given but it can't be given to the depth of endlessness multiplied by infinity.

I wonder why someone once said to me: "You are one of the most generous and caring people I know. That is why I am very proud to be your friend. You have frequently given of yourself to others to an extent that few people I know would. And because it is in your nature to give, perhaps you have neglected to replenish what you have given. Take the effort to re-stock your soul before you search for someone to give it to. For when you meet your soulmate, you will want to give her a cup that runneth over, and not an empty one".

Picture this old woman donating 10c when all she has in a dollar in her wallet. Compare that to someone else who donates 10grand when there's a million in reserve. Does the quantity matter? What matters is that the person is giving and giving in such a proportion that it means something to the person. What we some times measure against is whether what we receive is in proportion to what we expect to receive. I've learnt, measure it in proportion to what others can give. That way, we truly get to know someone else and see beyond ourselves.

A paradoxical line in this prayer "it is in giving that we receive".

What is it trying to say? Is it literally what we wholeheartedly give will reap rewards coming out way? If so then i think it's so wrong. Wholehearted giving doesn't lead to a yearning for rewards.

In giving understanding, we receive understanding. Understanding for others, understanding that would help us see things in bigger perspectives. Easy to say, but so very hard to do. I know because i'm going through it right now.

I speak like as though i'm faultless. Much to the contrary, i'm not without fault. I'm not perfect but i do strive for perfection. Not perfection in the way things are polished or objects placed in proportional displacement to each other. Perfection that I'm always willing to make something better. The intention is there but as 911 has shown, the best of intentions can result in the worst of outcomes.

Moments In Life

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from Your dreams and hug them for real.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong,

enough sorrow to keep you human and Enough hope to make you happy.

The brightest future will alwaysbe based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until You let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying

And everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end,

you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;

But by the moments that take our breath away!

and i ask myself

Why do i choose to stay home on a Saturday night? Why do i choose to be alone when i can be surrounded by people?

It's one of those times when i have to be alone and re-think. It's one of those times when i choose to be a hermit and stay in my own shell. With minimal disturbance and distractions. To recollect why everything happened and why everything took place. Call it a brand energiser. Call it re-focusing.

Human nature makes us fallible. Human nature also explains why this weekend is like it is. A weekend where draggy-ness reside in me. Draggy-ness for a task that was initiated by a divine plan which was a cross i chose to take up.

Thankfully i had a few people around me in the previous weeks who spoke of higher purposes and higher reasonings. Nick said that one day this would happen and now into the 75% mark it came true. What was sufficient before has reached a flatline where it's no longer enough for the hunger to be satisfied.

When someone searches for God, direction is usually the first stage of this hunger. Direction which can be pointed out through signs. Affirmation is usually the 2nd stage. Affirmation which can be filled by the word. Especially when u know that God is speaking through the word. This current stage is beyond a search for direction as to where to go or turn to, it's beyond affirmation as well.

Somehow this 3rd stage is so very different. This stage demands that there should be more than just a relation. More than just relating to what Christ did, his words, his ways. Above just plainly being able to naturally do what he would do - his ways, his teachings.

It's being able to not only relate but develop something more. Thus far perhaps there's a connection, and maybe even an association for all the things people have said to me. People who do not know whats going on in my life. What's lacking is an involvement.

Just like a couple who might be connected and associate with each other in couplehood, they transend beyond these into a deeper involvement with each other. That's the last step lacking here with me to close this current loop.

Does it mean that the journey is done and finished and over with when this loop is completed? I highly doubt so. It's just a foundation. A foundation to then go forth and grow this mustard seed.

an event of mixed feelings

Oh yes thats what it was today. Like totally. I think kris, only you would understand for the words you said meant so much. It's like as though i'm either that immature emotionally or you're that experienced emotionally through hurt and disappointments.

Whats the point in feeling that way when ultimately it's just yourself standing at the beginning and at the end. Can't imagine a world without sharing and yet can't imagine a world with sharing for it didnt happen and lightning doesn't strike the same place twice.

The last entry ended with el stupido. This next entry is of el stupido. Why bother with even trying when it's quite clear that there's no point in doing so. Obviously the telcos didnt fail you but yet it's something else that has failed you. Open statements render no necessityy for replies so i think tis time to stop waiting there for a reply for it'll never come.

Who i am and what can i be? A vessel of fullness and emptiness.

To that question, i kinda foresee an answer coming to me by the end of this year 2008.

I'm no prophet nor am i a fortune teller but that much i know is true that by the dawning of every new day which leads to a new week and a new month, slowly things are beginning to fall in place.

For that matter, this e-tracking of myself is a way in which i plan to look back and see WOW this was who i was. This is now who i was evolving into - one day.

Can words describe? I doubt so. Not that i'm not eloquent enough or that the ideologies of thy intellectual autopsychic intricacies is unable to fathom, much less comprehend or grasp definitive meaning. :)

So in short when one day, in simpler words i say to myself or others that:" i know what i am" or that :" I know what i can be" it's truly i see a cup.

In that cup, i see what it's filled with and i see whats left to be filled. The fullness and the emptiness all held into a vessel.

3 things i like about you

30 AUG 08

3 things i like about Fang:

1) Sparkling Baby blue eyes.

2) Waits up for me and wags his tail, not his tongue.

3) Can't do doggy tricks but recently performed something almost humanlike - He gave me a hug.

This was what he did.

I was sitting down on the floor playing the guitar and obviously i wasnt feeling too good. He came over, walked in this usual sashaying prancing style. Placed his face next to mine, bent his snout over my shoulder, rested his weight on my shoulder, curled his neck to clamp onto my shoulder blade with his chin and lifted one of his front legs to place over my other shoulder.

What amount or type of training could have accomplished that?

Plain day-to-day interaction and relation with an animal, treating it like a human being puts even an animal in touch with humanity.

Lesson for today: Dogs do treat people better than people treat people

(Cont'd) Finally ~ All good things come to he who waits

Quite sometime ago the longest most awaited news came knocking. Times like these makes you want to just share the news. Though the news is not meant to be openly declared as an announcement, it can still be shared.

Today the news flipped to the 2nd chapter.

Sad thing is that we were on the same road together, hence the breaking of the news could have been much more than just an announcement. Literally. Just that different paths were taken. How interesting that the two paths taken were as extreme as the red light saber and the blue light saber. Agreed that YES, there must be a struggle for balance as like every publication needs it's content yet it needs it's dollar in order to continue existing.

Now, the only thing that remains is the electronic sending of hyperlinks, cut and pasted strings of text which might come in useful; for if it is anything more than that, like spoken words or a face to face conversation/sharing, the response rendered back would probably go along the lines of 'mmm' 'aha' 'zzz'...wondering which is el stupido.

Happier Version - singer looks gay

First secular song i learnt how to play on the guitar to surprise my dad.

sad version - guy died from cancer

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

The only girl I've ever loved has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know That when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain please tell me now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don't care
I can't love another when my heart somewhere far away

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

The only girl I care about has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain won't you tell her that I love her so
Please ask the sun to set her heart aglow
Rain in her heart and let the love we knew start to grow

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again