Footprints again. This time during dinner

Sometimes things come at unexpected times or at least when you least expect it.

Before the cards came to me about slightly more than a month back, i already kinda knew that i had to issue myself a challenge back then. Whether or not i'll be able to actually reach some kind of 'standard' That which i simply termed as ME.

Yes the card was meant to serve as a checkpoint to myself to see that if i could maintain the ME.

Coincidentally the person holding the card now was issued the same challenge by me, not ME.

Just so happens that today's the scheduled time for the embargo. Meaning the issuance is out today (if the embargo has been kept).

This whole series of stuff within just a short half hour to 45mins is.. ..revelationary??

So happens that before i walked out of the store about a month ago, i saw this little card in the shape of a footprint with a little doggy that resembled a golden retriever.

Recollecting my 1st entry here it was this story about footpints that kept replaying in my quiet prayer bubble.

That was why the footprint card stopped me in my tracks otherwise i would have just taken the next step and out of the door i would have gone. With feet already in mid air, turning around was of course something not very normal to do from a psychomotor point of view.

The retriever was another eye catching symbol too of course. Since im a dog person.

The series of cards totally slipped my mind up until dinner just now. With the 'footprint' coming back again in my mind, it made me return to the computer to re-read the words even though i kind of knew what the words were.

I didnt happen to remember about the footprint it flashed or appeared in my mind.

So it seems, i have some thing to meditate about over the course of tonight and tomorrow.

Has faith and prayer brought me thus far? What brought me thus far? Where can i go now and where is he in all these. Little bits and pieces coming together.

Know not what to do? (Don't know what to do?) Just have to know what NOT to do.

It's hard for me to explain myself for i feel that what i'm going through right now is something that another wouldn't understand. This directionless feeling is there and at the same time, the yearning is there and it's getting stronger and stronger which is turning slowly to a feeling of sadness because i can't close the circle.

It's not that i am not doing anything about it, it's i dont know what to do about it.

On one hand, this week pointed out to me something very striking about myself. A buddhist telling me that recently i became another person. The shell remains the same, slightly skinnier though but something else has changed. It's as though a practical persona, an emotional persona and a spiritual persona has merged. 3 circles coming together overlapping one another. I was told that i'm suddenly more in touch with myself. Coming from a buddhist with the methodology of teaching and angles it rung a bell in me.

All these commented after a 1/2hr conversation about a problem he was going through. For confirmation sake, another, from my own discipline said similar things.

It's like as though i'm suddenly emulating a certain christ likeness after everything i had been through. Not that i'm suddenly up to the magnitude of being a person of christ or that christ shines that brightly in me but this christ likeness seems to be touching people i've been coming into contact with the past weeks. Heartfelt was the feedback because i'm not consciously trying or forcing myself to either. It's as though it's just me.

The yearning to be closer to christ was initially a little spark that is now a flame that is growing. The feeling of wanting and yearning but yet the lack of the knowledge or the lack of 'what to do' in order to actualise this. What's stopping me or whats preventing me?

Suddenly i lost touch of the road that i was on. The scene of walking round in circles in a desert seems to befit the occassion aptly. I remember this sentence i once said to myself and out loud that in the event when I do not know what to do, the only thing i have to fall back on is to know what NOT to do. It wasn't that long ago that i said those words yet it feels like i said it so long ago.

At least if i know what NOT to do, i won't be doing anything wrong. Thereby ensuring that until i know what to do, i've yet to do anything about it.

Don't deny that feelings and a series of events just took place. Simultaneousness and the possibilities of what can be et al. Whereas, forward action can't take place. At least not now at the moment. Not when yesterday and today brings me to the abrupt drop in the graph that was once slowly climbing.

Well, at least one thing is for sure. I asked for a sign last night and *tadah there was a sign. So it means someone is listening.

Tongue tied as i was to express myself i could only deliver a partial reasoning as to why i dont feel comfortable or up to it even though it was a spontaneous and natural topic. At least i'm glad you roughly knew what i meant. Though you had it partially right, you weren't wrong either; you were on the right track.

So, it's not that i don't want to but i know i shouldn't. Of course i'll still have to eat dinner but going over tonight is what not to do at this state i'm in.

Life after Death

I wonder why i didn't manage to catch this show on cable earlier. The title was so familiar. It was something out of my early days of growing up. Of course the actor is a stranger to no one.

Its so uncanny that thinking back, each time i used to tuned to cable and saw the show running it was either interrupted by a call or a sms which came from that same person. Though i wanted to watch this show which i thought had the weirdest of all storylines i guess then something else was more important.

Strange that i woke up so early today when it's a saturday and novena service is in the afternoon. Something that i wouldnt usually do and that is to switch on the TV. Checking through the listings, that familiar title showed "Meet Joe Black".

Hey no way i could get distracted now i thought so yah its time to watch it. There's so so much more to the storyline. The whole 165mins of running time felt like a thousand six hundred and five minutes. Breakfast led to such a distracted prolonged munching and nibbling which followed through with lunch. Time was as though it was put on a stand still. Either i was too engrossed in the movie or it's like as though i was in the movie next to the characters. The connection t just felt so personal.

Now i dont wanna sound like a psycho but i guess these moments happen to some people. For those who've had such moments they'll know what i'm saying and they'll know what i experienced. For those who've never had such experiences, either be glad that you've never had real life experiences to put you in such a state with reel life or hope and pray that real life experience will be a good one that allows you to sit next to another and experience that reel life experience side by side.

Good thing i wasn't late for service at 2. Made it just in the nick of time. Amazingly, my usualy spot was empty. Like as though it was reserved for me. How interesting, with so many people standing around, that X on the ground was just left empty.

What was left off from last night about faith had a continuation today. Why is it that everything seems to be sewn together one after another so smoothly. Although i have no direction and nothing particular in mind to act or do, this faith keeps coming as a repeating mantra. Not that i'm going all out to look for direction but it seems like as though direction and gentle instructions come to me.

Do in faith and hold onto faith. Life after death.

Lost in confusion

Directionless - thats one word to summarise. Not meaningless but directionless. When you knew that you're doing things for a reason the focus is there. All a sudden, when that reason suddenly gets shaken the focus gets out of auto-focus. Therefore directionless.

Today was an awakening. That familiar tune before meeting the gang at meritus played again just now for the altar call. Once then i went up to ask for direction and direction was shown so clearly; even though the immediate set of days ahead was hard.

This time, the need for direction comes knocking again. We need direction at times because there are events and scenarios which aren't ours. We're merely caught up in it and more often than not, it's beyond our control. Having been placed in such situations, it's a life changing event and what we change into is greatly dependent on whether we ourselves take control or if we allow others to take control or if we allow him to take control.

Of all that was said today and all that was sung today, the 1 biggest question hit me. Why do we give and when we give, do we expect something in return? Parable after parable, everything was from the whole 2 month long journey that seemed like an eternity.

The story of the oil and the lamp, the talents, the workers and the vineyard. Individually yes they have their own storyline and teaching. Looking in totality, it means something else. It means much much more.

When you give, really give and not expect anything in return. Allow yourself and the gift to grow, don't just keep it. The underlying question still remains. To do in faith, or to do in hope? To do in faith for who and what? To do in hope for who and what?

This is the next phase of the journey. Though the graph has spiked downwards, what do stock analysts always say? When it's down, it can only go up.

So now the graph is down, it'll only go up. That's faith for now and in faith up it shall be.

Sinner to Saint ~ St. Augustine

Today, 28Aug is the feast of St. Augustine.

Born at Thagaste in North Africa in 354, Augustine was a brilliant young man whose early life was wild and unsettled. He was converted by the prayers of his mother. His many writings present a theology and a spirituality that are exceptional and have had great influence.


Looking into the early life of this guy, he was trained in rhetoric and was probably a practicing rhetorician. In those days rhetoric was ruled by speech, words, arguementation. The ability to coerce or to resort to misleading and misdirection in order to achieve desired outcomes in conversations or behavior or perceptions within others.

Else it's just the gift of the gap to out-talk others and leave them in dismay; that for all they've ever called or thought was faith was shaken by some joker out there who by life experiences and weaving of words leave the listener baffled without any rebuttal.

So, for someone to have such a background augmented with the wild and unsettled life he led, prior to reformation Augustine was probably a total terror. In the process of living the life he led and doing the things he did, the transformation allowed this unique skill set of his to be put to good use much later.

People do change.

If only they allow the things in their life that affect them to lead them to what they can truly be.

Changed

Fel it's been a long time since we've met up. The last time we met up, church and God was one of the talking points. What was my response to you then? Church and God is not for me. I don't hear him calling or see him calling but at the back of my head i know he's just there somewhere. Until the day he calls i'll just not bother.

Tonight, over dinner at clarke quay the me sitting at the table was like the total opposite of who i was the last we met. I'm wasn't really taken aback with the comment you made about the different side of me. Yet, at the same time it is quite remarkable that you managed to notice just by the way i spoke.

Strength i realised has a 3rd dimension. The strength drawn is not that of immense power or inertia. To have a control over the emotions is not something that easy but it is achievable. I'm not suggesting the simple road of being indifferent. That's totally not going to benefit situations, people or ourselves.

Strength to accept accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can that is within myself and/or others
and wisdom to know the difference.

Difference of whether it is mine to change or is it God's place to change.
Living one day at a time; Live today in prayer and tomorrow in providence.

Enjoying one moment at a time; but not to enjoy selfishly. To embrace when it is right and fully right. Not to steal and embrace in parts or in pieces. Not to be a scavenger.

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; peace that the world cannot give. To experience forgiveness that it is not only ours to forgive but also with divinity. To err is human, to forgive divine. Divine when the weirdest thing is that hurt can be taken away from you not literally but spiritually.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right that everything will be alright if I surrender to His Will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Weird Spoof of my favourite childhood song

I hear you're taking the town again
Having a good time
With all your good time friends
I don't think that you think of me
You're on your own now
And I'm alone and free

I know that I should get on with my life
But a life lived without you could never be right

As long as the stars shine down from the heaven
As long as the river runs to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

I tried to smile so the hurt won't show
Tell everybody I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won't go away
Loneliness found me looks like it's here to stay

I know that I ought to find someone new
But all I found is my self always thinking of you

As long as the stars shine down from the heaven
As long as the river runs to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

Oh no matter what I do
Each nights a life time to live through
I can't go on like this
I need your touch
You're the only one I ever loved

And as long as the stars shine down from the heaven
As long as the river runs to the sea
I'll never get over you, getting over,
I'll never get over you,
I'll never get over you
getting over me...

What do you want of me Lord, where do you want me to serve you

To some i'm a confidant, others a friend, at times an irritant that's always disturbing people - giving due respect to my zodiac sign. Oh and how can i forget that i can be a nobody as well.

I think the quiet place of solace is really turning out to be a place of quietness and getaways. Seems like alot of human relation is sorted out in there one way or another. I just hope that the prayer of St. Francis is also taking place there.

If it is truly taking place there then there is some higher calling to transformation for the former role is now dormantly snoozing in the spirit.

Crap, my old boisterous nickname comes back to haunt me but at least i'm trying to tell myself i'm a refined one with class ha.

SURPRISE!

Alrighty then! One of the first few installments of surprise. Technically 2nd but the 1st wasn't counted. This time the reaction was unanimously stunning HA.

My test subjects gave me the reaction to note. One was like err i feel like i'm talking to a different person - suddenly tongue tied.

Another was like way cool awesome good on you!

Yet another was like hmm "premium look" (internal joke).

Test subjects; but doesn't mean it wasnt valued reaction. I had a controlled smile the whole time heh.

Just that through this whole time, the surprise was intended for specifically another. Just that the joker has academia at this time and i'm a distraction now or so i'm told la...so...while the surprise lasts then...or let it be yet another lost in time once again. Used to it already.

Spiritualism Vs Secularism

There is some good. Logical good, not spiritual good to begin a relationship with God. More specifically, to begin with God. It means thereafter, life is centered. In the event a broken road takes place for whatever circumstances, reasons or situations, the back tracking of bread crumbs only leads back to myself.

Ps 17:5 My steps have held to your paths; my feet have not slipped.

In secular truth, we find ourselves gulping down quarts and pints of booze to see and find solace. Maybe even spreading our virus of bitterness hate and anger that which is evident in front of us. The nature of a virus is that it goes on spreading and spreading from the next person to the next and it'll never stop. Until of course one person comes along who is either immune or numb or is able to take control of this virus. Then, for all the multiple channels, at least it stops at one person.
One less channel of hurt in the world means one less person hurt in future.

I'm not saying that in spiritual truth we find hope to brighten the day, charity to forgive or faith to endure. I'm saying that for the anchor i dropped many months back, i managed to find my starting point. From that starting point, time may not rewind nor will events back track. Once thing for certain is that the back tracking has led to a place where we're able to see the broken road from the beginning.

I know what went right, I know what went wrong. So what if everything that went right still led to everything being demolished? Still, I realise what everything was - to me. To me only, for it was one sided grounding. That's what matters. If we want to be grounded, we can't be grounded alone. It should and has to be in unison, united grounding.

The moment we're grounded to ground zero, we stop deceiving ourselves based on the point of brokenness at which we once stood. That's the beauty of finding things back.
Many people have said that life will never be the same again. I beg to differ. Life will be the same -yes - just with an added twist.

there's a first for everything

Yes, welcome to the girly world. I'm not talking about 'transgender', i'm just saying that over the past 2 months i empathise with the females out there cause i know what you go through at times. Truly.

The feeling of walking in for a new lease of life. A change. A physical change. To finally do something different. For the first time, to consider other colours. To consider a wacky do. Not so out of this world but just a new mode of portrayal.

I enjoyed the whole experience. It was rather long, all 2.5hours but what took place within those ticking seconds and minutes was really really memorable. Looking through the glass as a passer-by i've always wondered 'what so great' or 'what goes on inside'

This afternoon i found myself placed in the position of a VIP - literally. Complimentary drinks no matter what i wanted, it'll be served. Even the minute details of the scented or perfume coated towels was looked into. Feeling the rush of warm water flowing, coupled with great music and not to mention the environmental 'decoration' that just sets the mood.

Mood was going so great till that song came on. That's when the bite of reality came chomping. I once envisioned a near X'mas appointment to jointly have this experience shared but in reality, here i was alone. Though enjoying myself, somehow it felt different for that 3minutes as the song played.

Well, the song had to end some time and it did. Just as well, when the song ended, probably the most experienced one came to continue the work. The conversation that took place was also an interesting one. About 45mins later everything was over and voila i'm done.

So this was what goes on inside. Hmm pretty cool first time for me. Of course being timed nicely at this moment in life meant much more. After the wash up, settling down, i looked at myself once again and ask. Am i the same me?

The answer to that is too philosophical to explain. It's too emotive to explain either, considering that it was emotive reasons that kinda spurred the impetus in the first place. Just when i thought that everything was over - the last leg. Gosh when the canister was opened i could smell that distinct smell which i recall i once commented resembled some kind of air freshner. That was like so so long ago before anything even began but yet my nose picked it up. I guess we might forget formulae in math, equations in physics but sensory of smell for one is something which will not be wiped away.

It lingers at the back of our nostrils. That scent still lingers up till now and will continue to linger every night and everyday to be specific. At least for the next couple of months i gauge.

Nonetheless, i walked out happy, not before picking up the cheque. Yes i could have done alot of other things for what i was presented; even with the multiple VIP deductions.

Was i satisfied? Yes i was and it was a great feeling. To walk differently thereafter.
Closing the whole experience was the smsing of a smilie face :) a smile of unspokenness which was sent out to capture a thousand words that would be otherwise worthless if elaborated in writing or speech.

A surprise is in store!

The power of prayer

I believe this is going to be the longest of all entries that I'll ever input. So i better try to contain myself.

The most magnificent of days. A simple 1.5hour praise and worship session. One which was filled with so many familiar songs of drawing closer to christ and empowerment. The speech which was entitled "life is a jigsaw puzzle"

Biblical readings which was taken and assembled literally as a jigsaw puzzle for me. Unbelievable that a random speaker was able to lift up different passages and verses from the countless verses in such a thick book of books to unveil this jigsaw puzzle of messages i've received over the past weeks. What is the possibility of that? Drawing a set of 5 cards to form a full house?

From Jeremiah, that the lord stirs up the seas and makes it roar, through disasters that God reveals himself through the soft prompting or soft wind blowing. Fom Jeremiah that bad things happen but thats just God in the process of carrying out his plan such that his will is showing and we have to remain faithful and close to him to understand that whatever is done is taking place only because there is something which he has planned out for us.

The nature of human nature. The internal sin which Paul was speaking of to the Romans where he discussed the conflict that takes place in man. Something which we do but yet hate, something which we do but yet know that it is not us doing it but something within us - that which is referred to as human nature and our humanly sin. The addiction.

I went knowing that what i needed was healing. Healing: Physical, Emotional, Spiritual. I went today knowing that what i needed most was direction. Besides the probability of the speaker nailing so many of the verses, what is the probability of the worship leader calling out for someone in particular to come forth for that someone is seeking direction. Repeated calling at that. I didnt go up for i knew that even if i stayed where i was, i would receive direction and be led and be guided in the right direction. Uncanny that i had a 'northern star' pointing me in the direction initially. Uncanny that the northern star pointed me in the same direction later on in the night as well.

Most importantly, pray for the one next to you. Reconciliation was in the air. Not human reconciliation, but years of seperation in isolation and bitterness and unspoken silence. Healing was not so much with someone thats not next to me, it was with someone that was next to me. I'm glad that i was a part of it; the reconciliation. The beauty of sitting next to someone knowing so sure that the Father will reclaim what is his is unimaginable. Time, however, i know isnt now. But when it happens, it'll happen as like my experience. It will be in his time and it will be relative to what is minutes, hours, days and weeks.

It will happen. This one is strong. Unlike the other.

Lastly the night closed with a special place and my favourite special dishes. What is fungus? What is a sausage? Fungus is something which we perceive to dread, yet it can taste so nice. Sausage is made of meat taken from unwanted parts of the animal but yet when cooked and prepared and moulded correctly, it tastes good. Thats the speciality of what i mean by special.

I look beyond what is apparant. I look towards what can be. Not what is now, but what can be.

I thank you for all that has happened.
The summary for me, straight from the bishop,
You already know the way. Now, show the way.. ..go the way!


Thank you lord, for the trials that come my way,
In that way i can grow each day,
As I let you lead.
And I thank you lord,for the patience those trials bring.
In that process of growing,
I can learn to care.

But it goes against the way I am,
to put my human nature down,
and let the spirit take control of all i do.
Cause when those trials come,
my human nature,shouts the things to do,
and God's soft prompting,can be easily ignored,

And I thank you lord,for the victory that growing brings,
in surrender of everything,life is so worthwhile.
And i thank you lord,that when everything's put in place,
out in front i can see your face,and its where you belong.

Finally! ~All good things come to he who waits

I've always wondered why be who we are? Why not drastically adapt and drastically change like the chameleon, suiting the environment. True, we will survive that way by blending into the
background.
Is that what we truly are? Blending and blending till we know not what we are at the end of the day? Yes, fruits will be savored but at the expense of perceived invisibility.

I'd rather savor in openness than in seclusion.

Honesty cost me dearly 4 years ago. Honesty brought me somewhere else through these 4 years . By being true to myself, i was true to others. Today, the longest and most awaited for news came knocking - and quite persistantly at that.
True to others that i've not even met (and dont even know) materialised.

Best of all, the most awaited for news took place on a commemorative date. Guess it means much more with the inclusion of the sentimental value of the date.

Call me sentimental but hey sentiment is invaluable. It's ownership.

Happy Anniversary

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Singapore 20 august 2008 - Today the announcement of my inaugural - first - anniversary i've ever had. Yes, it is common practice to try and weave this word 'first' into releases thinking that it'll capture the reader's eyes.

Just a year ago on the 18th, putting on paper this signature which would mark a turning point, sharing the long awaited news with someone that i just got to know better then that i'm gonna be signing the first document which will turn me into what i was striving to become.

I know many people in the past have been saying that for the colourful life i lead, i should write and upkeep a journal. For over a decade i've always been putting this habit of journal writing aside. 18 August 2007 i decided; what the heck, writing is going to be something i'm going to do daily so why not take the opportunity to upkeep a journal on myself based on a new found friendship.

What was it that made me decide that it should be based on a new found friendship? Simply i feel friends really bring us out of us. They help us know who we are and what we can be. At the sametime they remind us what we're not, so that we can really be the best we can be for ourself and for the others close to us. For this reason, i started an informal journal made of pieces of loose paper. Something to track myself, the friendship and the friend to see myself growing. Why then of all the countless people i know, to base it upon just one?

Ever walked into countless pet farms and pet shops island-wide just when you're about to take a break and suddenly you see this cute little husky pup walking out, head held low, tail between the legs and it comes up to sniff you? Later behaves all so weirdly around you like as though it knows you're here for him and you know inside that you're here for it? That the certainty within the uncertainty that makes everything all so certain. That's Fang and carrying you out of the pet shop was the happiest day of my life. Well, actually the 2nd happiest but who's counting anyway.

It's not the dog. It's the whole split second yet split eternity feeling that Hey i've been looking for you for so long.

The upkeeping of the journal was not really fully disciplined or religiously updated, the major items were captured and the minor ones recorded in my head. Then, a year back, mentally telling myself that next year in 2008 i would call up the person who told me that you've got the job you're looking for blah blah...great...blah blah...whats it about blah blah. I knew that a year later i would have alot more to share for what i would have said in 2007 would have been just the supeficial overview.

Came 2008, the excitement to call up the same person to give a sharing of the account was overwhelming because it was coupled with lots of unforeseen things. Unforeseen things like having a month long MC just before returning to work (coincidentally or incidentally or unexpectedly) at the mark of 1 year. Unforeseen things like receiving the news that i'm shifting from my former work station to a small room away from the main office.

On the part of the small room. I take it not as isolation. I take it as a prayer come true, for that was what it truly was. For the whole journey which i've yet to input here, i knew that i would find the transition back to work abit weird for i might not be comfortable playing gospel songs in the main office as not everyone is open to that and in the stillness of my heart i'd require a stillness of environment. Hence i asked for what i asked for.

Live today in prayer and tomorrow to providence.
I guess seek first the kingdom and yea, gifts will be awarded. Not given, awarded.

Though it was saddening that the circle could not be completed, in terms of the sharing of what happened, i guess this happiness is meant for me and me alone. The only thing i can be contented with is just receiving an electronic smile out of the blue which spoke a thousand words even though nothing was said about all these and the smile really made my day.

Other joys of sharing come in other forms. cheering to two humble bottles of Heinekens at the usual lunching place with exotic chinatown cuisine, receiving the message that it's an honour for the company to have the first relationship of my life with me, such things are irreplaceable and heartfelt. Small little gestures like these are worth so much more than gifts or presents. Gifts and presents are there to remind us in a physical form, but such little gestures are things we'd remember even on the death bed.

Interestingly, the way which led to everyone knowing that i've never celebrated a Valentines or a Christmas Valentine was just so spontaneous as well, just a few hours prior. Hard to believe as it might be, i've never had such an experience, perhaps for a greater reason, which i shudder to think about.

I guess in my head i've never even imagine what an anniversary might mean. Therefore i've never had one. I've always thought of it as a simple marking on the calander and nothing more. Today i felt the meaning of an anniversary, a proper and good one at that. Something built on goodness, honesty and truthfully being yourself to the others around you. Of course the times of conflict comes part and parcel which makes everything even more beautiful if you've reached this stage of appreciation.

There's much that others can share with me, as much as there is for me to share with others. And this takes courage. Courage to let the defenses down. Courage to let the spirit in us take control and allow something higher to lead the way. Courage to know that the right people we choose to allow to be there is to serve a purpose. Finding this habitat for the anniversary was something i prayed for just hoping that someone would hear. Not that i had a name in mind or a place in my line of sights, but let this first one be really something.

Really, it turned out to be something. Now, more than ever before i believe in the power of prayer. The power that it was actualise. Which just leaves one prayer unanswered.

There are just so many memories of here and now. Memories of my physical self, my emotional self, my spiritual self. Memories of other sides of me which i've never realised as well. Memories of which were real of me and precious to me which took place at the doorstep.

All these happened because there was someone listening.

Media Contact:
God & Prayers

Happy Anniversary!

Mid Year Review

A long overdue mid year review is gonna take place.
As a review is going to be performed on my professional persona, it's time to pen down my own review.

I guess it's overdue as well. In fact alot of postings are going to be long overdue by the time they get captured here. Back to the story of footprints i pictured during my meditative time, it's in writing down firstly in my own head or perhaps on a piece of paper or a notebook followed by a follow-up reflection that i truly know what the experiences meant and represented.

Much has happened during the past year Aug 2007- Aug 2008.
Phase 1 was to undergo a preparation for what should be termed the physical side of me. Not in the literal bodily sense of the word but practically in terms of academia and profession.

Phase 2 was more of a stage of realisation of the emotional side of myself which apparantly had room for on-going growth. I'd hate to term it like as though it is an exponential growth for the word exponential would make it seem like as though i'm a person who thinks highly of himself.

Phase 3 was the greatest experience that a being which is agglomerated-ly named God is real.
It is in this Phase 3 where i realised the term exponential isn't something to just talk about, in fact it's something to be glad about. Why so? Simply, to me phase 3 is where we draw strength and it is from this spiritual strength that we are given the ability, the capability, the luxury to experience this feeling that there is always room and there will always be room because it is not by just our own efforts or power alone.

Coming from the triple whammy angle of: Health (physical), Relationship (Emotive), Despair (Spiritual weakness) i see how i was really put to the test, not by person or persons but by a higher power.
In the next posts, the tracking of this spiritual experience will probably give me yet another something to look back on in 2009.

So, in looking at the whole saga, i'd rather not dwell on the nitty gritty and look at the bigger lesson and bigger picture learnt.

No man is an island, no man stands alone. Who'd like to live like a hermit anyways? Come a stage we'll be looking for friends, come a time we'll be looking for a companion, come a time we'll reach a stage where we'll be happier if there was another half. This time i truly understood what it means to say "other half ".

It isn't as simple as saying we want to be a part of someone, in as much as we hope to receive a part of someone.

1. Physically, two can be connected. Of course thats the easiest isn't it? When lips have joined we can put a tick on the checklist.


2. Mentally, two minds can think alike or think about each other at the same time. How do we know this? Simply ask ourselves how many times we've tried sms-ing someone or how many times we're about to click the 'send' button just to feel the phone vibrate or chime to alert us that we've received an sms - better yet it's the same person you were about to send the sms to. Another scenario would be to try calling someone, only to find that the line is engaged. Upon trying a 2nd or 3rd time, after getting through, the person says "I was trying to get you". Yet another scenario in our modern day and age of digitization and technological advancement. Sending an sms and on the IM you receive a text from the receipient of your sms


3. Emotionally feeling something for another. Now thats the tough part huh? Worse still, in prayer, feel exactly what the other is feeling even you know nuts to nothing about what the person is sad about in terms of background knowledge. As i was saying earlier about lips joining, now i ask. Is this simple scenario above descriptive enough about hearts joining? If it isn't then perhaps getting a call with the opening words "i thought of calling you cause i kinda felt you were feeling in a mood that you deserve a call". only to give the reply that i'm really in bad shape now cause of a voice i heard which is neither mine nor anyone else's as i was alone, how did you know i wasnt feeling too good?

Good thing comes in 3's. Ready-Get set-Go (I'm in the olympic mood)...Father-Son-Holy Ghost... Know your A-B-C. Need i go on further why we're conditioned to 3's?

Physical-Mental-Emotional these are the 3's of what most of the secular world would equate to soulmates.

Well i dont deny the equation, neither do i deny that it happens. I've heard of cases before, just that i never expected it to happen to me.

Neither did i expect something else to happen. When these three meet and form a triangle, the beauty in this is if it is sealed with a divine seal.

What i guess i'm driving at in my own reflection is that these 3 are connected, hence we label it as connection - for others chemistry. A question i put across to myself. Many want a strong connection. What's stopping me from aiming for a divine union then? That for two people who have this strong connection is able to make room for God and Christ to enter to allow a cup which is half full of love to be also half empty of a Godly love, the father's love.

Hey, i've always said that a half filled pint of beer is just waiting to be topped up :)

Taking my last experience as an example, the physical, mental, emotional connection can only be made more complete if these are held together in a divine union.

So in summary, if we say that 2 is able to have a strong relationship with a strong connection in their own little world, there's another world out there where a divine seal is able to make complete in wholesome goodness a blessed union.

And thats where the northen star is pointed towards. It never was about the other half alone. It's about ourselves and God. It begins with that and it should continue with two on a united journey to God together.

Directions

Bless the broken road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

so much more than meaning

Empower Me

Nobody knows how weak I am better than you
Nobody sees all of my needs better than you
and nobody has the power to change me to what i was born to be
Jesus be strong in my weakness
Empower me

Empower me, like a rushing river
Flowing to the sea
O send your holy spirit
Flowing out through me
Till I'm living as your child
Victorious and free
Send the power of your love
Empower Me.

Nobody's eyes see through my soul better than yours
Nobody's love can make me whole
No love but yours
And nobody has the power to lift me to reach for eternity
Jesus break through all my defences
Empower Me.

renovatio

How ironic it is. For a person who writes daily, it's been over a year since i've contemplated this e-style of documenting; better known as blogging.

Often i ask myself. Why do people document? Why do people post pictures of themselves? Why do people reveal more about themselves to people out there when the reader is a total stranger?

Do we do this for ourselves or for others? I take it as a form of practice. An exercise to begin the learning journey ahead of expressing myself, for that is one thing i've been bad at. Perhaps a more accurate way of phrasing is that it's something i never thought would be important. Until now.

Since the birth of blogging i've always seen it as a novelty, a person's fun time with the computer lamenting about the daily chores of life or routines. However, i stand firm believing that whatever is captured represents moments. Moments which should be cherished and not be left aside.

These moments of joy, sadness, hate & anger, forgiveness & peace, growth and experience, they mean nothing if we don't look back to see what they actually meant to us. Of course one could argue that if it happened it already happened. Were we so slow not to know what happened?
I'd rather look from the perspective that the cup is half empty.

Yes, most certainly incidences happened, events took place. Rightfully so, they have etched themselves into our Brains - where we remember, Hearts - where we feel, Spirit - where we embrace the memory and emotive side of these incidences and events.

Stopping there, to me, I take it as just an encounter.
In looking back, I feel, I'm giving myself the opportunity to know more about myself, the incidences and events and most importantly, the people who were involved or who allowed these incidences and events to come into my life.

Hence, glimpses and reflections.
For starters, I thought it best to begin with this story, this image of Footprints which has been popping up in me quite often, every now and then, especially when i'm in my own quiet bubble.

A walk by the waves

As I walked along the beach, I left footprints behind. As I looked back, I saw the footprints and i saw the paths I took.
I saw where I stepped on and it was even clearer to me after looking back at where I stepped on.

Broken shells were around, spots of blood grazed the sand, leaving spots of crimson everywhere.
In my short sightedness, I stared.
I stared and was fixated in the process of looking at the prints and where I stepped on.

I woke up from my dream and i prayed. I asked why there was so much blood when i look now and realise i didnt get that many cuts.
My Lord said, :"some are yours, and some are mine".

Then he said, come, I know you must be tired from the walk. You must be weary. The walk has made you weary.
Let me give you rest so that we can go to the beach once again.
I took a breather alone, which seemed like an eternity for i was so tired.
We went back to the beach once again after i awoke.

This time i saw the rays of the sun, the silver lining shining out from the clouds. I saw the calm seas and I saw the gentle waves coming up to the shore.
The sand looked untouched. The shoreline was flat and not undulating.
In front of me, was a whole coast of fine, white, powdery sand.
What happened!? I exclaimed. This wasn't how i left it just now before the short breather.

My Lord said to me. My friend, while you were resting, I was working. I brought in the tide, I brought in the waves, I erased everything.
Now, my friend, the beach is ours once again. The sand is soft, the sun is shining.
Let's go for a walk, now, together, hand in hand.

For i've walked with you previously and i know you.
I feel you and i'm a part of you as much as you're a part of me.
Let's go for a walk, now, together, hand in hand.
For I will not let go, I never have, and I never will.

Lets us bask together in my graces, for I've created something new and different - for you and for me.


Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed a dream.I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

'Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me.'
He whispered, 'My precious child, I love you and will never leave you,
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.'