It's hard for me to explain myself for i feel that what i'm going through right now is something that another wouldn't understand. This directionless feeling is there and at the same time, the yearning is there and it's getting stronger and stronger which is turning slowly to a feeling of sadness because i can't close the circle.
It's not that i am not doing anything about it, it's i dont know what to do about it.
On one hand, this week pointed out to me something very striking about myself. A buddhist telling me that recently i became another person. The shell remains the same, slightly skinnier though but something else has changed. It's as though a practical persona, an emotional persona and a spiritual persona has merged. 3 circles coming together overlapping one another. I was told that i'm suddenly more in touch with myself. Coming from a buddhist with the methodology of teaching and angles it rung a bell in me.
All these commented after a 1/2hr conversation about a problem he was going through. For confirmation sake, another, from my own discipline said similar things.
It's like as though i'm suddenly emulating a certain christ likeness after everything i had been through. Not that i'm suddenly up to the magnitude of being a person of christ or that christ shines that brightly in me but this christ likeness seems to be touching people i've been coming into contact with the past weeks. Heartfelt was the feedback because i'm not consciously trying or forcing myself to either. It's as though it's just me.
The yearning to be closer to christ was initially a little spark that is now a flame that is growing. The feeling of wanting and yearning but yet the lack of the knowledge or the lack of 'what to do' in order to actualise this. What's stopping me or whats preventing me?
Suddenly i lost touch of the road that i was on. The scene of walking round in circles in a desert seems to befit the occassion aptly. I remember this sentence i once said to myself and out loud that in the event when I do not know what to do, the only thing i have to fall back on is to know what NOT to do. It wasn't that long ago that i said those words yet it feels like i said it so long ago.
At least if i know what NOT to do, i won't be doing anything wrong. Thereby ensuring that until i know what to do, i've yet to do anything about it.
Don't deny that feelings and a series of events just took place. Simultaneousness and the possibilities of what can be et al. Whereas, forward action can't take place. At least not now at the moment. Not when yesterday and today brings me to the abrupt drop in the graph that was once slowly climbing.
Well, at least one thing is for sure. I asked for a sign last night and *tadah there was a sign. So it means someone is listening.
Tongue tied as i was to express myself i could only deliver a partial reasoning as to why i dont feel comfortable or up to it even though it was a spontaneous and natural topic. At least i'm glad you roughly knew what i meant. Though you had it partially right, you weren't wrong either; you were on the right track.
So, it's not that i don't want to but i know i shouldn't. Of course i'll still have to eat dinner but going over tonight is what not to do at this state i'm in.
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